SO I arrive at Calais with a boot full of Amsterdam’s finest.
Those dark green bushes kicking out one helluva pong.
And the customs officer just goes: “Nice van, mate.”
Of course, I’m loaded with Christmas trees — 352 of them. Three hundred and fifty two, in the back of a Disco.
And before you accuse me of smoking another plant-based product, they’re mini trees, flat-packed for posting through letterboxes.
Even so, 352 is impressive.
As is the new Disco van — or the “Discovery Commercial” as absolutely nobody else but Land Rover likes to call it.
Basically, Land Rover has taken a normal Disco, removed the second and third-row seats, blanked the rear windows, added a bulkhead cage to separate the cab and load area, and ta-dah . . .posh van.
Same looks, same comfort and infotainment, same driver aids, same off-road ability — but with a ginormous 1,856-litre boot. That’s a lot.
That means it can swallow things 1.63m long, 94cm high and 1.41m wide.
Like 352 mail order Christmas trees and a Santa gnome, for example.
Prices from £40k (plus VAT) for the 240hp twin-turbo diesel you see here — up to £50k (plus VAT) for the all-singing HSE 3-litre V6 diesel. Both are 4WD with a twin-speed transfer box.
Other observations. I averaged 34mpg driving 450 miles from Amsterdam to Nottinghamshire to deliver trees and gifts to a school.
Compare that to an old Disco — and that’s impressive. As is the air suspension. As is the slick eight-speed auto.
As is the head-up display and adaptive cruise control.
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This thing is big, but low effort and as relaxing as a hot bath.
Final thought. Maybe those tiny trees did affect my brain . . . because I’m sure I passed St Niklaas on the way.